Guide to: Crushes and Dances
Seasons 1
Director Paul Hoen
Previous Episode Guide to: Seating and Tryouts
Next Episode Guide to: Sick Days and Spelling Bees
"Guide to: Crushes and Dances" is the fifth episode of Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.


Part 1: Crushes

Ned tries to figure out if Suzie Crabgrass likes him back, but can barely speak around her. Cookie suggests he ask Suzie out to a school-sanctioned event. Just then, Mr. Monroe announces the Dances With Wolves Dance at school, and says there will be a real wolf at the dance. Ned believes this is a good opportunity to ask Suzie out. However, he doesn't want to ask her unless he's sure she'll say yes. So he tries to get her to notice him in a good way, by repeatedly running into her accidentally-on-purpose in the hallway and working on decorating the gym and putting up posters for the dance with her. Unfortunately, helping set up the gym doesn't go well, and he ends up spilling punch on her, covering her in glue and feathers, and moving the ladder she was standing on. Ned goes to Claire Sawyer for help, and although she agrees to help, she tells him to use the direct approach. She gives Ned a "do you like me?" contract, and Ned gets Gordy to put it in her locker. However, the heavy contract causes everything to spill out of her locker when she opens it, and then just slides on the floor to Ned.

Coconut Head continuously approaches Moze with roses and tries to ask her something. She thinks he's trying to ask her to the dance, but doesn't want to hurt his feelings. She is, however, hoping that Seth Powers will ask her. She spends most of her day hiding in trash cans. Eventually, she asks Ned to tell Coconut Head she won't go to the dance with him while watching him from afar. Coconut Head tells Ned he was trying to ask Moze if she would go to the dance with Seth Powers. Just then, Seth stops by to see if she said yes. Before Ned can speak, he says, "I should've just used the direct approach and asked, 'Will you go to the dance with me?'" Suzie walks by, thinks Seth is asking her to the dance, and accepts.

Cookie designs a computer program that will identify his perfect match for the school dance. He's hoping for his match to be international supermodel Martika. His first attempt matches him up with Lisa Zemo, so he refines the system hoping to get a better result. Instead he's matched up with Nurse Hunsucker, and after another revision, a Siberian husky.


  • Crush Type#1 - WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.
  • Crush Type#2 - SOMEONE LIKES YOU…
  • Crush Type#2 (con't) - …BUT YOU DON'T LIKE THEM.
  • Tip#909.1a - The Direct Approach. Just Ask!
  • Tip#909.1b - Indirect Approach-Get Noticed. Try a simple "Hello."

Part 2: Dances

At the dance, Ned looks for an opportunity to dance with Suzie. Right at the beginning, Seth arrives without Suzie, who asked him to meet her in the parking lot. She also disapproves of his outfit and breaks up with him. Ned is elated, believing he finally has a chance to dance with Suzie. Moze tries to convince Ned and Cookie to just have fun at the dance and not have high expectations.

When the dance starts, the gym splits into girls' and boys' sides, until Backpack Boy dances to the middle of the floor and breaks out his disco ball, getting all the kids to dance. Ned is about to ask Suzie to dance when Seth shows up in his "best warm-ups". Suzie is happy that he changed for her and takes him back. But when Seth hands her vanilla ice cream, which she hates, she breaks up with him again. Not a few seconds later, Seth gets her a glass of lemonade, which she loves, and she takes him back again. Later, Seth steps on Suzie's foot while they're dancing and she breaks up with him again. Ned tries to break the ice by bringing Suzie lemonade, but is trapped by the Huge Crew, who literally throw him around the dance floor. By the time he escapes, Suzie has taken Seth back again.

Cookie hacks into the car GPS of supermodel Martika and redirects it to bring her to the dance. He tries his match program again but still gets the Siberian husky. Lisa Zemo asks Cookie to dance, but he says no, and that he's with someone who isn't here yet. Instead, she asks if she can dance next to him until she shows up, and he says yes. The zookeeper shows up with the wolf, but tells Mr. Monroe that she wolf came down with the sniffles, and brought a Siberian husky instead. The husky becomes infatuated with Cookie. Martika shows up at the dance, and Cookie convinces her to dance with him, saying they're at a photoshoot and there are cameras everywhere. The husky breaks free from his leash and attacks Martika.

Gordy goes to drastic measures to try and catch the weasel. Ned tells Gordy that all Seth cares about is his basketball. Gordy sees the weasel, but also sees Seth spinning his basketball as he's slow dancing with Suzie. He swings from a gym rope, grabs the ball with his feet, and tosses it down the hall. Seth goes chasing after it, and Suzie breaks up with him again. Ned finally gets to ask her to dance, and spends the last few songs of the night dancing with her, Moze, Lisa, and Claire.


  • Tip#308.4g - Dress for a dance. Cool and Comfortable.
  • Tip#308.4h - Go to the dance with a group of friends.
  • Tip#309 - Careful not to overdress.
  • Tip#309.54 - Crossing the dance floor can be tough…
  • Tip#309.54 - Dance across the floor to get through a crowd.
  • Tip#4077.3 - Keep away from strict chaperones.
  • Tip#309.41c - Break the ice with a cool beverage.
  • Tip#309.8.2 - Have fun, don't have super-high expectations and go with the flow.
  • Tip#309.8.3 - It's a dance, so DANCE.


Guest starring



  • When it's 7:40, there's some text with arrows pointing at the clock saying "1 hour and 40 minutes until 9:00". It should actually be "1 hour and 20 minutes until 9:00", since 7:40 is 1 hour and 20 minutes away from 9:00.

Season 1 Episodes
Guide to: The First Day and LockersGuide to: Bathrooms and Project PartnersGuide to: Teachers and DetentionGuide to: Seating and TryoutsGuide to: Crushes and DancesGuide to: Sick Days and Spelling BeesGuide to: Rumors and Photo DayGuide to: Elections and Talent ShowGuide to: Computer Lab and BackpacksGuide to: Notes and Best FriendsGuide to: Daydreaming and GymGuide to: Cheaters and BulliesGuide to: Emergency Drills and Late Bus
Season 2Season 3

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